'Tis A Rare Find....

I'm actually surprised. I didn't think I'd like the play, but I enjoyed it. What play am I referring to? I speak of Ben Jonson's Volpone. Maybe it's the medium, but I appreciated his sharp wit and cutting timing. It's meant to be watched as well as read. The setting is far less important in a staged production of a work. It's all diologue and character development. That might quicken the pace.

Comparing a reading of Spenser's The Faerie Queene with Volpone, this appears to be part of my disallusionment upon reading FQ. However, to be fair, I couldn't read all of it in its entirety, so my experience could be colored by that or perhaps other unknown factors. That being said, I think that each author's use of different literary devices could have influenced my reading of both works. Spenser relied heavily upon allusions- mythical, religious, literary, political, etc. Jonson uses fewer, but more importantly, they're moer "common". Sometimes its as if Spenser ferreted out the obscurest to include in his verse. Still, I'm no poet and thus less "learned" in that area of the "discipline". (Okay, I'll quit being sarcastic now. Idealism...happy thoughts.)

Still, I think I'd rather watch the performance than read the play. It's really one of those works that can be too much for close reading. In other words, its value is only realized if taken on a more "surface" level. Don't think to hard about it. Just appreciate it for what it is and go with that. Just groove on it.

I need...

I think I really need to get out of the dorms. Really, that seems to be a large part of my problem. My schedule just doesn't "coordinate" with everyone else's, yet I keep on trying to do it. As a result, I end up putting off all of my work, figuring, "Well I can get it done later, when everyone else is asleep". Yes, I *can* do that, but not all of the time. The thing is that I think my next opportunity to move out will be Spring. Well, I could move out any time before then, but that would mean giving up my $300 deposit that I paid when I moved in as a Freshman. It's all sorts of fucked up. I don't know. Maybe it will be better once Steph is here. She can help stave off the little one. DAMNIT!!!! I just....hell.

I don't wan to become a statistic, but I think that's where I'm headed. Well, at least I stuck it out longer than my sister, which isn't saying much considering. I don't know what to do. I can feel it coming...I'll be a 21 year old college drop-out...unemployed...homeless...probably mentally disturbed...or at least moreso. Fuck it.

I give up.

days are...meaningless

Can someone please tell me why I'm still up? I don't really remember the last time I slept...might be nearing two days now. And it's only been a couple of weeks since I went for 4 days without sleeping. I need a break.

Too too much...

There's no way that I'm going to be able to contain all of the information that I've been getting in a paper of any sort that will make any sense whatsoever. That sentence didn't even make any sense. That's the extent of the lunacy of it all. Nothing makes sense. Nothing. Yet another problem- organization. I don't know how all of this should fit together so that it at least affects some semblance of sense and/or logic. Again, it's another case of "Well, it made sense in my head".

Of course the information that I'm referring to is the information that I've gleaned while doing my research on NCLB and Indian education. Actually, I've had to do substantial research, a lot of which has extended beyond those two more specific focuses. There is so much knowledge that one must have before truly understanding some of the nuances of the relationship between the federal government and public, "institutionalized" education, that it seems like no one can possibly know enough to be well-informed. "Expert" seems to translate into "general idea". But it's hard to get even that! It has me frustrated, to say the least- especially when I think about how that will be amplified in any way I try to share this newfound information with any audience.

But that's yet another problem that I haven't quite sorted out in my own mind. Who is my audience? I don't think that's something that I've given nearly enough thought. Ideally, my audience would be anyone and everyone. Realistically, I think I'll have to settle for anyone I can "make" (ie; persuade/beg) listen and take active interest. I think I've already clearly communicated my position on this--that education should be one of everyone's primary concerns--so I needn't take that any further. However, if I had to choose a focus demographic, it wouldn't be educators or anyone directly related to/implicated in public education and instruction in any formal sense. In other words, I'd rather interact with the "masses".

In truth, it's this group that *SHOULD* be the most involved, as they are the majority- in numbers. Far more of the "general public" will be affected by the education of our students today. As technology and progress gain speed in their forward momentum, this is something that society will have to start facing earlier and earlier. At my age I can already see that the changes being made today will have a great impact on my life in my more "mature" years.

My future prospects are looking much dimmer as I get older; I'm not particularly thrilled that the concept of someone retiring and collecting their SSI check before the age of 75 will be almost non-existent by the time I actually get to be the retirement age of today; I don't like the fact that there's a very good chance that there will be virtually no oil for fuel by the year 2019 or something like that, which would mean I would only be in my mid-to upper-thirties; I don't like the fact that while I'm trying to prepare for my own future, I'll be pushed to participate in a bad trend of placing increasing economical burdens on subsequent generations and thusly perpetuating that cycle. No, I don't like it one bit, but the least I can do is try to prevent as many unpleasantries as I can. For that reason alone I should be interested in education, not to mention the unlimited others that go along with it. I can't help see it otherwise- for anyone.

Beside that, I truly believe this is the audience that matters the most anyway. What would an Educational Administrator get from any of my research? A new perspective? Some fresh insight? Innovative ideas? I don't want to flatter OR slander myself, so all I can honestly say is that it wouldn't be impossible that any of those hypothetical situations could, in fact, become a reality under certain circumstances. However, there's one big factor that could influence this, and I'll be so bold as to articulate it, however cynical it might be. The more likely scenario would be, in my estimation, that it would be an utter waste of time and energy. It wouldn't even be fully acknowledged. I feel that it would more than likely be written off. After all, it's not specifically tailored to administrative issues. It doesn't cater to them. While it doesn't cater to any one person, I think that it would be most beneficial for those who aren't "on the inside". They are less likely to have already formed solid opinions/perspectives on the issues that are raised by the different information and their sources. To them I might have more to say. They'd be more likely to take the time to listen and reflect objectively. At least that's the way I see it.

Now the question becomes: How do you reach a certain readership? For most this would be one of the first questions asked. I don't know why it's taken me so long to give this some "serious thought", but it might be because all of this started from my own curiosity. Doing it for class was just another reason to keep up with it. That sounds far worse when it's actually articulated, but all I can say is that it's the truth. Another truism in my dilemma is the fact that I don't want to make the work any harder for myself than it already is. I'm aware that I do that enough already, as is my wont. I shouldn't try to add to it if I can help it. That's why I don't think an academic, or formal, research paper will do my project justice. In fact, it might be in direct contradiction with my own position, which is essentially to question, question, question- avant guard and status quo alike. So I think I should provide at least another option. I was thinking of creating a website to make the information more readily accessible to a greater number of people. Oh, but I can already see the problems that might come with that.

Who am I kidding? No matter what I decide to do, inevitably, there are going to be problems. As the cliche states, you can't please everyone all of the time. That's as far as my idealism will carry me as of late. But I have hope. In the end, if I can say that I'm truly satisfied with my work, then I should be content. That's all that should matter, right? After all, even all of the entries that I've been making on my progress, they're all a way of tracking my own process of learning. That should be the important factor. Well, that's provided that I *do* make progress and that I *do* learn from it. I think I already have, but that's just my personal opinion and something particularly difficult to be objective in.

I think I'll have to console myself with the fact that intentions usually have some pull in such matters. My intention is to figure out what works for learning. I don't believe that there is one cure-all for what might prevent someone from learning the knowledge that will allow them to be the best person they can possibly become. That, in itself, is different for each person. I think anyone would agree to that, if they haven't been living up in the mountains like Grizzly Adams or something :op (Sorry, I felt there needed to be some comic relief at this point...). There are some great intentions behind the educational system in the United States. Even within NCLB there are parts that just make my heart soar! They make the idealist that's left in me weep. In fact, that might be part of the large frustration with the entire thing! The aspects that are enigmatic and fabulous in the Act contrast too sharply with the asinine aspects. If it were fiction I would venture to cite it as an example of "the grotesque". Yes, I know I'm twisted. This just comes out differently in writing. Again, further evidence that writing encourages various new ways of thinking- discovering new avenues.

Will I be creating more work for myself? Quite possibly. I just hope not. I'm far behind as it is. I need to remain honest and keep in mind that my own motivation also plays a factor in the entire endeavor. I am, after all, also a student. I've also been "on the other side", so to speak. I'm what some would call "on the fence". I can see where that might make some of what I have to say weak, or wishy-washy. In fact, I'd probably have to agree with that in some cases. But I will not accept the notion that it's all dependent on me. The way I respond to something also has to do with the content itself. That's the simplest way I can put it, in my own defense. I believe there are no simple answers. I also believe there are no perfect answers, which is why I can't fully endorse any one "solution". That's not the way I see the situation at all.

I see the need for more balance. But that word seems to have different meanings to different people and groups of people- interests of people, people with interests. I can't possibly help that. There needs to be a tweaking somewhere. That's all I know, but I think it's important to be aware of this kind of thing. We've tried tweaking the data. That works for some things, it appears. For other things? Not so much. So maybe someone else knows of an alternative. But we'll never be able to figure that out if no one's looking or even aware of all the areas where they *COULD BE* looking. See what I mean? Question, question, question.

It's hard. The "I don't know"s are scary. They're hard to accept. Maybe that's something that should be changed. That could, in turn, lead to more questions. "I don't know" could potentially be turned into, "Well, why don't you know?". That seems like that could lead somewhere for someone. Who knows? I don't know. Well, it made sense in my head...

Ideas are a fickle thing...

Sometimes I honestly wonder if there's such a thing as "thinking too much". I often analyze things, but it really isn't what most would consider "conscious". In other words, it's not like I actually try to make it a point to read into certain things in a particular way. It just kind of happens that way sometimes. At the same time, I think it provides some great opportunities to make it productive in some way, such as an element of some type of fiction.

I have a ton of "ideas" or "material" that could be used for writing short stories or something of the sort. I just have a hard time keeping track of them. It doesn't help that I also experience difficulty actually writing any of them down in the first place. It feels like a bad, blustering, blind trip. That's not to say that any of these ideas are necessarily *GOOD* ideas, but they're there at least. That being said, I thought I might make another concentrated effort to actually articulate some of them.

This will be one of the first attempts of round 2...er...3...er...4...er...whatever. :op So, my idea for a short story comes from another "realization" that I've had recently. A few hours ago, to be exact. I thought of writing a story about a family of raccoons, making the protagonist one of the younger ones- a male raccoon. I envision him being bold and courageous almost to a fault. He'd also be more "forward" or "aggressive" than those around him, but I think this difference should be emphasized in contrast with one of his peers, preferably a young female raccoon. I'd like to subvert that expectation actually. I'm just not quite sure how I'd like to approach this, as far as the overall tone of the piece. That's probably because I'm also unsure about how far I'd like to take this. I'm wondering how pissed off I want to get. I suppose it also depends on how many people I want to piss off in the process. *coughs*

Although the actual content seems like it would be more suitable for a younger audience, like children's literature for example, I think, if done smartly, it would be quite effective with an adult readership. I'm not sure I'll be able to figure out how that can be done though. That's one of the frustrating aspects of this. It's something that could affect our everyday lives because it's exploring how we perceive ourselves and the world around us. These are some of the most fundamental humanist pursuits. In fact, it's the bedrock of the entire ideology: who we are as people, paradoxically independent and intertwined with one another. The connection that's made in my head is, however, far less convoluted. That's just another "proof" that writing inspires a different way of thinking. Writing really is a method for learning. But what of the actual revelation for this particular inspiration?

Well, I was sitting there on the cement steps behind the Drama building, talking about the raccoons that had condescended to conduct their nightly constitutional in our midst, and I thought, "Nice. It's funny how we all automatically assume that the sex of the boisterous one is male and the more timid one is female." I can't help but get some dark pleasure at the humor of it. It's like I fell for a really bad joke. How could I? I fell for it too, right? When I realized it I felt like kicking myself in the ass, but ya know, what are you going to do? I'm not that flexible. Or that motivated, quite frankly. The best you can do is try to be open and call everyone, including yourself, on it when you get a chance. That's why it's perfect for creative fiction. It's a perfect fit- somewhere.

I Write, Therefore I...

I write, therefore I am. I think someone said something like that once. If not, someone should have, damnit. It has to be somewhat true, as it seems to be for me at the moment. Or, maybe, this is the first time I've actually "done" anything about it. It's not like I never ever have the urge to write anything. That couldn't be further from the truth, quite actually. I write a lot. But it's mostly in my head. Yeah, I know, I good place for it there, right? It's not actually writing then, is it? Oh poo. Of course it is. The term writing is increasingly ambiguous. After all, some might argue that *this* can't be termed writing either. However, a growing number of people would disagree with this on several different principles. Meh, whatever.

Does this completely invalidate everything that I have "written" up and until this point? Perhaps. I wouldn't doubt it. I wouldn't really care either. I don't know what has inspired me to actually begin recording the thoughts that run through my head. It's not as if I'm really thinking about whatever it is any more than I normally would. In fact, I might dwell on it even more if I don't formally write it down. That's because I'd have more opportunity to "ramble" I think. Oh yes, it happens just as frequently, if not more, in my head. I don't lie about these things. I'm completely candid most of the time, and not really exaggerating. It's amazing, I know. But this is precisely why I think that journaling really is a good way to engage kids with their reading. And, yes, it's also more frequent than not, as of late, that my thinking takes a turn toward school in some aspect. I think I might be cursed. But I digress.

Writing can bring up several different issues and complicate your level of thinking. Actually, this can be quite frustrating if one's not used to experiencing this. I used to get frustrated. Thought maybe I might have some different form of ADD but soon realized that there might just be too much BS that goes on around us all of the time. *grins* Of course it could very well be a mixture of both, which is more than likely the case. It encourages you to acknowledge "fleeting" thoughts and file them away, creating a sort of catalogue to be sifted through later. It's hard to form any type of judgment or impression on them at the time. It's important just to get them down. That's what you learn to do at least- to become successfully at it. Then, if you're lucky, you're able to go back later and write about them. You get to think them through more thoroughly. Yes, more thoughtfully. That's the point! See, common sense again!

If you don't get to think them through more thoroughly, no harm no foul, right? At least you noticed in the first place. That's the way I look at it. Of course I could be wrong. Probably am wrong. Wouldn't surprise me in the least. I must recharge; my cynicism is threatening to take cover. My idealism needs a mocha.

I Think I'd Be a Fan

I think I like the concept of looping. According to Dr. Terry Bergeson, Superintendent of Public Instruction for the state of Washington, this is "the practice of keeping students with the same teacher two years in a row". In November 2004's Message from the State Superintendent, it was referred to as a 'learning strategy', not merely a 'WASL strategy'. Either way, the concept is, quite frankly, fairly novel to me. I'm unfamiliar with it as any type of formal educational strategy. I guess I had only thought of it as a concept, and that's it. But now I want to know more. I NEED to know more! What would it be like to go to school where this is a standard? *THAT'S* what I would like to know, more than any numbers or "data" that could be reported about it. A workshop on interpreting data wouldn't give me any knowledge about that.

Am I just cynical? An idealist who is slowly going bad? Please, say it isn't so. I want to be like all of the educators I respect. There are still many many out there. Believe me, I've had the privilege of being educated by...well...at least every teacher I've had. And more. Oh so many more. Some aren't even around anymore, doing what they were put on this Earch to do- teach. That's the only way I can see anyone staying a perpetual learner. Going into teaching, that's the ticket. That definitely points to my interest in the concept of "looping" as an instructional strategy, or whatever you want to call it.

If I had been allowed to have *ANY* of my teachers two years in a row, so that they might have been a mentor for an even LONGER period of time in my educational development? Wow, I can't even fathom what a gift that would be. Honestly, I consider myself one of the luckiest people in the world because I have found MANY mentors throughout my lifetime, which is, consequently, 21 years at present. There are many different "types" of mentors; I think this is something most would grant me. However, I'm lucky enough to have one mentor who is a mentor in every sense of the word. She is an example as a formal educator, as a woman, as a mother, as a human being.

I respect Mrs. O'Brien so much, that sometimes I wonder if it's too much. When I think of this woman, and the person she is...well, tears literally well up in my eyes. My breath catches in the back of my throat. I truly choke up. In fact, it's happening right now, so please excuse me if this isn't so focused. What I mean to say is that I've had the privilege of getting to know Mrs. O'Brien for who she is as a person, as a human being who cares for those around her. She has a kind soul, and she's a great person with matching spirit. That's all I have to say about that.

The point is, she was also my senior AP English teacher. SHE is the one who has encouraged me to keep going when I wanted to stop. Right now, sometimes I think she's the *ONLY* reason I keep going. It's like it's a promise to her. I don't know what kind of promise this would be, because she's never ever asked for one damn thing from me, now that I think of it. But I know I would give her anything. And I'm pretty sure I would have given her anything as a student as well. That's the important part, and that's the part that I find particularly appealing about the whole "looping" concept.

I wonder, what's it look like in practice. It sounds pretty good in thoery.

More and more disparaging...

I weep!

"I think it does lead to divisiveness. Our school district is on a plan of assistance because of our special education scores. We decided to mainstream our special ed population so that they could be with science teachers (for example) that are 'highly qualified'. You should have heard our staff meeting. A teacher that I highly respect was amazingly blunt about how she wouldn't care, couldn't care about those special education kids because it was impossible. Too many students on an IEP in the classroom ruins the learning environment for the whole group. It was explosive."

My heart bleeds. Explosive doesn't begin to describe how this makes me feel right now.

Sling Blade...mmmhhmmm...

"No, I reckon I don't got no reason to kill nobody...mmmhhmmm." Can I say how much I love the movie Sling Blade? Who knew Billy Bob Thornton could be so perfect for a role? It's kind of like Johnny Depp with Pirates of the Carribean. It has to be a mixture of actor and role. There really isn't any other way to look at it. It's only common sense. Oh, and, ba-duh-bah...the segue.

Why can't people see the common sense in a lot of things? Alas, back to NCLB and my work for my classes and whatnot. The testing! AHHH!! Okay, so special education. This is something that Mrs. O'Brien pointed my attention to. It's something that I had heard before, I must admit. Clearly I didn't think of the implications of this closely enough. It's something we should all stop to think about when we think about all of the different baggage that comes along with this "law". Oy vey.

So, back to special education. If special needs students are on an IEP (which I guess all students in special education classes are, although I must admit that I don't know if this is exactly the same for every school in every district or if it applies to all "remedial" classes...), federal law mandates accomodated curriculum and/or testing. So this basically means that, in their classes, they may be tested differently--non-conventionally, if you will--than they would in a "regular", grade-level class with their proficiently performing peers. In the words of Mrs. O'Brien, they advocate "special treatment for special needs". She also points out that it's rather silly that the tests for NCLB don't account for this at all. Shouldn't the way the students' "achievement"s are evaluated be universal? If they're not, then why? What message does this send the students? If the student is to be held accountable for their education, then they should know what knowledge they are being held accountable for; at least common sense would say as much. But again...that seems to be something that's terribly lacking.

Overbuilt Schools??

Okay, how come I'm not the only one who sees the flaw in the logic here? How could so many BIA schools have been "overbuilt" when I didn't know that a lot of them even existed before now? I find that quite intriguing. Anyone would with any bit of sense. Yet again, grey area concerning Indian Education. It's everywhere I tell you. Everywhere. Just think about the fact that schools with Native students still get funding for each Native students that attends that school. However, an entire BIA school is also responsible for holding their entire school "accountable" as the other school as well, to receive its funding. Actually, it may receive less, considering the regional cirucumstances. There's just so much to it that it's pretty ridicliss!! :op

Really now, why hasn't anyone made any connections? I could see them through and through. Can see them. So there's some definite problems with NCLB from any standpoint, but from Indian Education?? The prospects aren't particularly promising or pleasing. So where does that leave "us"? If I were in a different position, I'm pretty sure I'd have a differnt answer. That, at least, I'll have to admit. Many people don't see that as a factor either, which I could see as being quite problematic- personally speaking. Oh and how clever of me to join in on the rhetoric. I can use the buzz words effectively as well I guess. Go me. I do good.

But, really, where does that leave Secondary Education under NCLB? Where does that leave AP English classes? What about BIA funded schools? In other words- tribal schools? Does anyone else see the disparities between Secondary and Elementary education? Does anyone see where there are inconsistancies in the funding areas?

This is what happens when someone thinks about certain things for far too long. The inconsistancies just keep on piling up and signaling the bells and whistles. That being said, there is some great, great, great, scholarly work in the writings that I've read concerning the No Child Left Behind Act of 2001. There really are arguments for both sides of the discourse. I also feel compelled to keep in mind that these have very real implications for many students- myself included.

At the simplest level, NCLB has standards based on educational principles. There need to be principles, I don't disagree with that general sentiment. In fact, I do agree with some of the general principles surrounding NCLB and its initiatives- formal as well as informal. Some are misguided in my opinion, however. I worry about some of the "messages" NCLB and its emphasis on standardized testing, may be sending some communities of its students. These can't be unsurpassable impediments! Innovative teaching can deal with anything, right? Well, ideally....but that's what a teacher is, if anything: an idealist- at heart. So call me an idealist, but I think that a lot of it is BS, and should be dealt with accordingly.